Sunday, 4 January 2009

Doctor Who and the Parallels of Doom

Despite everything else going on in the world, BBC radio news yesterday teatime seemed most excited about who would be the new Who (another middle-class white male - surprise surprise). What with dodgy telephone polling, Brand-Ross-gate and the Strictly Come Dancing controversies, our poll-tax funded Beeb is now so far up its own a**e that it is no wonder it seems to struggle with balanced and informative reporting.

Anyway to celebrate the new Doctor’s arrival, let’s accompany him back in time in the Tardis, taking one or two historical liberties along the way.

Da-da-da-da, Da-da-da-da, Da-da-da-da, Daaaaaah, Da-da-da-da.

Title sequence “Doctor Who and the Parallels of Doom”

The battered London police box materialises on a street corner. The Doctor emerges from the Tardis to the deafening whistles of bombs falling nearby and the drone of aircraft overhead. He switches on his trusty sonic radio to find out what is going on and hears an American voice. ‘And now, as the German blitz enters its second week, a word on the situation from the President, Franklin Bushovelt.’ A second voice starts up..

‘We’ve gotta remember that the German Government is just defending its own people here. This all started when Churchillist militants sent their home-made Lancaster bombers deep into German territory. The Churchillists are a terrorist group who seized power in a coup against the legitimate government of Neville Chamberlain, and who use violent rhetoric about fighting on beaches and never surrendering. We are in regular talks with the German Government and Adolf Holster has assured us that the German defence force are only bombing military targets such as docks, defence installations and police stations. It’s unfortunate if the odd civilian gets killed, but you gotta remember that these militants have sited these police stations in or near civilian areas in total disregard for people’s safety.’

‘I’m getting out of here before I get killed after only one episode’ said the Doctor, rushing back into the Tardis with the blonde cockney assistant who just happened to be passing by. ‘Let’s find a different and more peaceful time and place’….

Da-da-da-da, Da-da-da-da, Da-da-da-da, Daaaaaah, Da-da-da-da.

Episode 2
The Doctor emerges from the Tardis. All around, there humans dressed in bizarre clothes and embarrassing hairstyles.
“Where are we? When are we?” says his stunned but beautifully made-up sidekick.
‘It’s Britain in the 70s’ says the Doctor. “Let's listen in to those people.”
They overhear a snippet of conversation,

‘Well I’m glad our Government is doing something at last’

‘Absolutely, I mean it’s a shame if any civilians get killed but it’s their own fault’

‘Oh I’d slaughter all of them if I was in charge – it’s the only way to get peace.’

Puzzled, the Doctor switches on his radio.
A BBC-intoning presenter drones on ‘British planes have hit military targets in Dublin for the seventh successive day, in response to the indiscriminate firing of rockets towards Crossmaglen and Newry by the IRA. Targets include police stations, Catholic churches (which the MOD states are being used as weapons dumps) and the Post Office (because that always gets blown up in Dublin). In response to concerns raised about civilian casualties, a Government spokesman pointed out that “All of these have been cynically placed in residential areas by the enemy- making some collateral damage inevitable.” Her Majesty's Government has also warned the United States that their tolerance of funding-raising activities by the IRA terrorists makes Boston, Massachusetts a legitimate target. British warplanes are already engaged in manoeuvres over the North Atlantic.’

The beautiful sidekick looks to the Doctor. “Can we go somewhere safer and saner, please?”

And with that the Doctor and pouting assistant returned to the Tardis and desperately sought sanctuary on a distant planet inhabited by Daleks and Cybermen

Da-da-da-da, Da-da-da-da, Da-da-da-da, Daaaaaah, Da-da-da-da.

Daft Comment of the Week: I have omitted to keep this up on my blog recently, but with this week's quote I can be safe in the knowledge of not offending anyone, since it comes from me, and concerns my wildly inaccurate forecast of yesterday's Manchester Palestine demonstration (see here); actual numbers were about three thousand.

I hope to get back to blogging on Mancunian and conventionally green topics soon, but injustice and biased media coverage are things which really get to me...

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